>> 
>> You have reached the Mental Health Institute answering service...
>> 
>> If you are Obsessive compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
>> If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
>> If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5&6. If you are
>> Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother
>> Ship.
>> If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
>> you which number to press.
>> If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
>> press...no one will answer.
>> If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
>> If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
>> representative comes on the line.
>> If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
>> date of birth, social security number and your mother's and
>> grandmother's maiden names.
>> If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press
>> 000.
>> If you have Bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or
>> before the beep. Or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.
>> If you have Short-term Memory loss, please try your call again later.
>> If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up.  All our operators are far
>> too busy to talk to YOU.
>> If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the
>> line so we can trace your call.